August 6 was a day of challenges and
sadness, cries and wonders, of sublime beauty and emotion mourned. A sleeve was
falling to the old pillow of that paradise and when I got out of the tent the
sun was static, that from there must come solstice, the pure light filling the
Eden of those enriched poor people, bathing their humble land of gold, from
which I was bound to be eclipsed. The light seemed a still life: apples and
quinces. But the quinces were all covered by a diffuse light. The apples were
an invocation to that Eden, juicy and evocative. It was 10 o'clock in the
morning and they were all there. They seemed to have gathered in a circle
around Mistress Oakes’ tent, and she heralded something and advised them calm, not
to leave yet. They were all but Olivia, Lucy, Luke and Bruce, but the latter I saw
coming from the river with a full bottle in his hand. Something he must have
read in my face finding myself opposite, because the faithful friend seemed to
understand that he would no longer swim with me. His pure heart should suffer
such desolation that suddenly he seemed to lose his balance. He bounced back
immediately, but the bottle he was carrying in his hand suddenly shattered in
front of Lucy and Luke’s tent. Instantly I saw that Luke was startled and when
he understood what had happened and after asking Bruce how he was, he became an
improvised sweeper who removed all the crystals. Although some of them must
have remained. It could be a bad omen, but Mistress Oakes, who also had realized
what had happened, turned and said:
− "Fear not,
Luke. These crystals make no more sense than to become a mirror for one of us
or can be the window cleaner that beautifies his future. Your child will be
born well. Return with Lucy."
At that point I had already learned even to
light a bonfire. Not many efforts cost me to give life to a new one where it used
to be lit, next to Olivia’s tent, who had already prepared the firewood. I
myself prepared coffee while I meditated uncomfortable what might be my parting
words. At that time Olivia and Luke came out and gathered together with the others,
on the threshold of Mistress Oakes’ tent. Now almost all of us were there. I
had to say something now. I found where there was a clearance, more or less in
the same direction in which I was placed the magical night of the stars. The sun
dazzled me, giving me full. A cloud of very fine wool was tearing the sky from
north to south. I don't know why I wanted to understand it as a gleam of hope. Lucy
wasn’t there, and we would only have a few seconds until her mother and her
husband returned with her. Almost without knowing which words to use, I began
bitterly:
− "I wonder where
I have to start. I don't know how to thank you all for how well I have been here
these days, to the point that I’ve lived your outskirt as my home. It won't be
easy to now regain the life that I had. But I have to do it. I guess that I can’t
live in a different way, and if the orientation is lost, one already knows that
it is better to walk the ground I knew. At the moment I'd like to stay with you
one more month… perhaps much longer. I do not know very well who I am, but if
there is something to forgive, forgive me. I can only promise you that if you
wish, I will come to see you often –I had at that moment broken the heart which
was born there. Tears, rebellious and unstable, didn’t cry, perhaps because I
was crying with all the other bodily humours−. I will hardly be able to say a
few words, personally, one by one, but I'll try: Mistress Oakes, I will feel
your absence, and your way of reading me to reassure me and tell me where I should
direct my needle. You see that at the end God-Fate knew, and you also knew,
what alternatives I had, and that in the end I was going. But it would not be
right to leave my grandmother here: I'll see what I can do to come to see you.
Don't think badly of me."
− "Calm down,
Nike −she said also with a crying face−, I will never do it. I am not going to
make more painful your road with a lack of confidence. On the contrary, go with
my blessing."
− "Olivia. I'll
see if I am now able to find more Alices than jewelry. That I have learned of
you. And you will have the biggest jewel in a few hours or a few days. Let
Kirsten or Paul meet always the prosperity of having you as a grandmother. May
the light of Spica accompany them. And also convey my deep affection to your
daughter. Tell her I'll try to find if there are still any furrows in this old
earth which so long has been asleep."
− "Bruce. I wish
I could soon swim with you again −and in that precise moment his eyes and mine became
lakes−. Remember that you must always swim close to the shore. I could not find
a sentence that best summarizes everything that I would like to tell you. I
know that probably you don't want to hear it, but thank you Bruce, thank you
for everything."
− "Miguel. I will
try not to turn my life into a Carnival. I would meditate if this man is free
and prefers to stay naked. And I desire to remain always a mortal. How much
I've learned from you. I guess you think that now I'm going to throw everything
away. But neither past nor future. I have to see what I can do with this bitter
present"−I saw that he would have liked to answer. Or that he had expected
better things from me. I was sorry to disappoint him. But he should be noticing my pain and
preferred not to answer me.
− "John. These
days I've seen you a wizard of snakes and a priest of the stars. And always the
great friend that I could have had. Yes. No wonder that your light must be
immortal."
− "Perhaps not as
a friend you arrived. But as a friend you are going. And you will always be.
Take care of yourself, Nike."
− "Luke..."
−But suddenly I had to stop. A sound of a well-known metal went down the last
stones in the asphalt of Millers' Lane. I could not be deceived. It was Anne-Marie’s
red Plymouth Superbird, which was already nine years old. She was a wonderful
driver. Few would have dared with the slope climbing towards the Torn Hand. But
then I knew that she, who had been there many times, was always able to park it
on the high plateau. When I saw her arrive I finally lost my last hopes, damn
rebellion which did not reach me, to stay there.
When she came down from the car, so as not to
cry, I looked everywhere. The clouds had evaporated and Telemachus went restless
from one side to another, always close to Luke’s tent.
She came down of the car in her superb white
ermine dress. I saw her prettier than ever, vying with the morning. I had
phoned her the day before and knew that she would come to pick me up. Since
that time, I had thought what I could tell her. How to face her with a truth
that could harm her. But even if I returned to my life, I knew that to her I could
not return. I could be hurting her already. When she saw me, she came to me
with a loving "Hi, Nike" and kissed me in the mouth. She then greeted
John with an affectionate embrace. Later a cold “Good morning" for Miguel
and a warm "hello everybody" for the others. It was very simple, but
it shook me to know that Anne-Marie used to know for years the people I had
just met. With a warm "How are you?" she then turned to Olivia, whom
she asked:
− And how is
Lucy?" –she inquired with interest, but with a touch of reproach. The fact
that they were going to have a child on the street she could not easily assume.
− "It is
difficult to answer. I think that if it isn’t born today, it will be tomorrow.
My granddaughter is already on her way. It was not possible for us to convince
my daughter to go to a hospital. She always says that she was born here, and
without too many problems, and that she wants my granddaughter to be born the
same."
− "Then I will
have to come another day to see her −a reticent cloud refused to retire from the
sky awhile, only to project in her eyes, her greatest beauty. It was what I had
always liked most of Anne-Marie. Blue they opened to make it echo, reflecting a
second on the green of my eyes, until finally clouds, sea and my mirrors took different
directions−. Shall we go, Nike?"
− "Sit awhile,
please Anne-Marie –I didn’t want to go yet. I seemed to be waiting for
something. I knew that it was not the moment−. I will return to work tomorrow.
What about, while sitting, I am updated?"
It was a weak excuse to stay longer. But she
agreed. She sat on the stone of the threshold, to not stain her clothes, with the
air of one who is accustomed to that danger but is very familiar with the
peculiarities of this place.
She
was ten minutes telling me in detail the last business. I did not recognize myself.
For years I would have preferred to have her speaking me of business so we didn't
speak about love. I now preferred to talk even about love, not to hear of money
and finance. Where was Nicholas Siddeley? When had I lost my ambition? On my
side I heard John interested, intervening from time to time, until seeing me
completely passive, ceased to intervene. Miguel heard them with clear signs of
jealousy and the reborn fear that one day John abandoned him. Olivia and Luke were
about to retire again. Just in time, because before they left we heard a
startled scream from Lucy. We all stood up.
With a gesture of determination, Mistress
Oakes and Olivia went into the tent and the former beckoned us to stay outside.
Bruce, Miguel, John, Anne-Marie and I remained like salt statues, which had
wanted to move and do something on the outside. I imagined Luke’s anxiety in
those delicate minutes, not knowing what to do; hindering the improvised
midwives, dying of nervousness inside, wanting to help, and not knowing how.
Anne-Marie suddenly turned to me and told me:
− "It is madness
that she has not wanted to go to a hospital. But let us wait, Nike, since we
have gotten us squarely in the cyclone. And if in the end the mother needs it,
my car will be available. "
For Anne-Marie it was nonsense, everything
was very strange in Lucy. Unless, I realized, that it was due to the disastrous
influence of her husband. I did not answer. I thanked I could follow there at
those times. I had spent ten days waiting for the arrival of Kirsten or Paul,
and finally now I would know who was about to come. I could even congratulate
Lucy and Luke later. And Olivia, I thought, don't forget the grandmother. I
really thought of what I would say. But I was as nervous as if I was also
living a transcendental moment in my life. But, with very few lights, I was
able to remember his uncle James, who was not living it. By my side, another
uneasy jumble seemed to go crazy. It was Telemachus, which I had forgotten.
It has sometimes been seen as a daughter of
Ra; sometimes a peaceful goddess transformed into a woman with a lioness head,
Bastet was to be at the birth, always protecting pregnant women against evil
spirits. The cat-goddess could have taken the body of Telemachus, which
estranged hovered there while nobody paid it any attention, as fearful before
the miracle as humanity is afraid of eclipses. Ra, sailing victorious in the
midday, surely lowered His eyes to see His seed, the deity of harmony and
happiness. And thou shalt be happy.
An earthquake would
have not been seen by the five souls that were waiting outside. The sun could
have been extinguished, the river could have turned into lava, and our hearts
marked the slow ticking of noon. It was of
the eighth month the sixth day. When summer exhibited all its glorious
clothes. 6 August, twelve hours, a star wanted to give light in the yellow of
the day. Luke’s face was seen coming out of the tent one second, to exclaim to
the world his happiness:
− "Paul has come."
Without time to congratulate ourselves or to
ask Luke about the health of the child or the mother, we saw the grandmother
come out tearfully. She went into her tent just for a minute, in the vain hope that
nobody saw her cry for the absence of her desired Kirsten, who had not wanted
to come. But instantly she became strong and returned. Luke came out with little
Paul in his arms and I, who had been in very few births, couldn't believe that
I could witness that miracle. When I saw him, without knowing why, I threw
myself into Olivia’s arms, who had just returned, and I had to cry. Thus
embraced, she cried with me her restless rivers and sobbing she became a stream
of an enormous joy and love. The newly born was crying his eyes out. Luke put him
immediately in the arms of his happy grandmother, who already recovered from that
shock of fate, cried too, but of happiness. She surely remembered the bitter
time of a July of 29 years ago, when she gave birth to her greatest joy.
Arriving to her arms, little Paul must have felt the blood he came from and
suddenly calmed:
− "You must be my
grandmother –he seemed to be thinking−. And I know that I have to spend many
hours in your company. I will try that you will never again cry. If I am not the
one you expected, also with me you will feel complete. And you'll see. When you
play with me, you will laugh more than I. I promise you."
It was difficult to say who he resembled. He
reminded me more of Lucy. The same black eyes, her penetrating gaze, her superb
surface, her mother-of-pearl skin. His hair would be one day the same brown as
his father's. But in that hour of Paul’s dawn, proudly shone in him the haughty
light, born in its perennial glory. Regulus was beginning to live. I... was beginning to die a
little. All of us were crying without reason; the deep well of my heart became a
fountain. At that moment my waterfall found a deep precipice from which to jump
terrified relentlessly towards a river of white water and a sea which it never
could reach. Crying I saw how Lucy and Mistress Oakes came out of the tent. The
mother was well. Incredibly she was able to walk to the river to drop the
placenta. I don't know if she got to the Kilmourne. But she returned
immediately. Luke handed the baby proudly to his mother, so the little king could
sleep his first cry rested in the cradle of sincere love of his sovereign. How
beautiful Lucy was in those moments, the first time I saw her without her belly.
Her radiant face was the very sun that looked down to find out how the Earth
had dressed one of its fellow stars. Her husband tenderly surrounded her with
his arms. The snapshot of the three, the father, the mother, and the son of their
hopes, broke my heart to make it a hole to that photo that I shall not forget
as long as I live. I begged Anne-Marie not to leave yet and she, who also
cried, let me follow in that solar peace. At the time Luke had an idea, that
all of us held the little king, one by one. And he allowed to be rocked by the
tenderness of Mistress Oakes, but Regulus returned to inconsolable tears.
Perhaps it was a cry of happiness, but so he was for ten minutes. Later in the
arms of Bruce he cried a few sweet tears, as if he felt the blood of this
unknown man to be a friend. In the arms of Miguel he returned to be a tantrum,
so John was next to hold him, and there his crying was like an undecided breeze
that doesn't know if it should stop blowing, pleased that its star had found
the exact cubicle from where he could safely issue his first rays. John held
him one minute and passed him tenderly to my arms. And to feel his warmth should
be like the universe feeling one of its stars explodes and never knows if it
can rebuild its harmony. I don't know what strange voice wanted to then take my
mind, my spirit, my heart... It could be said that the soul of the millennia was
conquering my throat, which knew that if I did not speak then, there would have
been no space or time, no centuries of war and love huddled in their watches, no
sand which could fill the coasts, no sun travelling from east to west. Nor
there would have been more pages for Nike, or Nicholas, if I had not said what
I said at that time:
− "Welcome to the
world, you little king."
You come to an Earth full of beauty... for they
who are able to see it.
And thou shalt be happy.
Because you have the wisdom and the beauty
of your parents,
And the dignity of all their fellow mates."
Unaware that my blood had exploded with
those words, I did notice that at that moment the little king had stopped crying,
as if he were talking to me also and were saying: 'wait for me at each solstice
and each equinox. You cannot live without me anymore or me without you. We only
have to wait to recover both from this black hole. But I am not going to ever cry
by your side. And remember that one day I will be waiting for you to teach me to
swim."
Oh, Regulus. You brilliant and infinite light. How can I believe from now on
that the universe rocks its music without you? How to look at noon again without
your light? Who are you, you little tyrant with no hair, with so merciless rays?
Where to search my heart if it is not at 12 of any midday of any summer, during
those hours in which my Polaris keeps sleeping its blessed dream of hope in its
resurrection? How am I going to believe that I can survive in a world where you
are not?
As in a last flash of sobriety, I remembered
to hand him lovingly to Anne-Marie, who was also there that magic August 6. In
her arms he returned to cry, as I realized another crying. Lucy and Luke shed
grateful their oceans, looking at me in recognition of my words, with their tearful
lances converging in the same flash. Both approached trembling with red eyes,
refusing to stop crying until I had not embraced them. Lucy preferred to kiss
me on the cheek; Luke fused with me in a hug, and the friend who had not shown
that he was a friend didn't know how to keep that friendship and fell to the
ground, rather than sat, in that harmony without balance. A moment later, by
imitation, they seemed all to agree and sat down. And Anne-Marie again handed
the star Regulus, I mean the little king, to his father. "Luke, my friend,
you already have your wife's happiness and the happiness of your child on your
lap, and I have to leave so that their brightness is always pure and
crystalline, away from the friend who is not and does not want to smear you.
You will be happier without me. Although you never know what happened to poor
Nike, who had to leave and does not know whether he will return." I
understood at the end what the second half of my shadow was. I could not mix my
earth with that earth and hope for no cracks to appear. Lucy, Luke and Paul were
sacred. I would only be a constant trouble, one more crack in their road to
happiness, that of the three, a moon that could only give shade, a stain on their
star of the day which only moves to its aphelion. It would not be right to seek
in your heat my perihelion. But know that now I must orbit, without knowing how
I will be able, around other colder stars.
I was sitting facing John, the only one
perhaps that could see my face, again looking south. The others, east and north,
around the new family, could not see me. Lucy maybe. Luke looked at his son,
finding I do not know what tender horizons in his crystals, which perhaps still
without light, crossed the morning. Thinking that I would not see them again
was the last axe in those days of one shock after another. A stream of bloody
sweat probably fell down my cheeks. A heart eaten by one thousand ants must
have protested, calling for a new life, through my eyes. I don't know if,
though it wasn’t even raining, August cried, because on the ground there was a
glass, as if its latest gift had to be a tear. But then a helping hand landed
on my shoulders returning me for a second to my south. John, making an effort for
his voice to be heard in my deafness, was speaking to me:
− "Stand up a
second, Nike. I want you to come to my tent. Before
you go, I want to lend you a book, which I no longer use, about the
stars."
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