THIRD PART: OF METAMORPHOSIS AND DELIRIUM CHAPTER XXII: SHADE

Restlessness was in every face. The landscape cried in a watercolor. The ash trees were boiling, the tents were melting. The eyes of the little king, in his mother's arms, shed his first waters, following the bloody horizon compass. The sun seemed to tremble, the air was winking, and August spilled. But the walking stick of my frozen heart did not allow me to walk safely and perhaps I stumbled. Mistress Oakes, who was very close, came to hold me.

− "Don't fret for loneliness, Nike. It will be a good teacher."

− "How I will miss you. But for God’s sake, Mistress Oakes, tell me what you know. Shall I return?"

− "You are to walk into happiness, but you cannot see it yet. Because your path has so many twists that for awhile it will hide you the sidewalk. But it is firm. Trust me."

− "I trust you. But me?"

− "Believe in the woman you have called your grandmother. Come, let's walk together. Do you feel already more stable?"

 − "I feel more stable, and I won’t feel alone as long as I am with all of you. But now they are only minutes. As long as I remember you, I'll be accompanied. I am split in two. Because I like Nike, but I am also Nicholas. And I don't know if Nike has created himself alone, in your presence, or if from Nicholas has come Nike, or if the latter has given birth to the former. Or if I'm going crazy and nobody created them."

− "Nike... –Her hand grabbed me for a few moments so strongly of my arm that I couldn't help feeling somewhat restive with her startle. We were already close to the others and I do not know if they heard us− I told you that one day you would do it. You have just explained God-Cause to me."

    It is true that she had prophesied it to me, but I looked at her with disbelief.

− "Do you remember how I began the tale of the Universe?: God-Cause was alone and He was accompanied. He was one and He was two. He created Himself and both created each other, but nobody created them. Your last words are in harmony with the first thing I told you."

− "Certainly I see the parallel. But how do you go from my shocks to God-Cause? "

− "Let’s walk a little. I need to think. But by your side. Your mind clarifies me many things. Let’s see... –we went to her tent. I felt Anne-Marie’s hurry to go−. Perhaps I have made an unforgivable mistake to believe that the first of the gods did sprout creation from happiness. And I was forgetting that Horror is a creator. Yes, now I see it. To make creation He needed Wisdom and He came to it with Liberty and Horror, both assumed. That’s how He was one and He was two. And He was alone but accompanied by at least two substances that populated his spirit. The images of what it was supposed to be the future were already in His mind. I don't know yet how He begat, but happiness and Horror, already present in His thinking, gave birth one to the other, but nobody made them. But I still have much to think about. And I suppose you will not understand anything."

   But instead of answering her, I shook her with a new question.

− "And it was a man and it was a woman?"

− "Nike. It would not be prudent that we were speaking about certain things, but if one day you need to tell me, there I will be. You are a man, and here you have begun to know that you're a very worthy man. And I won't need to tell you that you also have some feelings like a woman."

− "Yes, Mistress Oakes. But I'm not God-Cause."

− "But you come from him. From him we all come. And from God-Fate. We are his children, intended to be beings-gods. The gifts of the universe are in us. And now, thanks to you, I'm beginning to see that they were already in our parents. Yes, in His image and likeness. The same harmony. Come on. Anne-Marie is in a hurry. Let's go with the others."

   Before I could reach her, who wanted to leave, Bruce came ahead:

− "I didn't know if you were going to stay longer, my friend. I had brought you more tobacco."

   Two more packages, the last supply of the “rich beggar", and I, who was rich, but not a beggar, tried to protest, but it was useless

-“When you smoke them, you'll remember me."

− "Hug me, Bruce –I said crying. You will notice in my sentences, Protch, that that day I was not coherent. I feared the resurrection of the worst of me but I said sentences like the following−. I will remember you also when I am not smoking. You don't stop making me presents."

− "Don't be silly −he replied with a wet face− I need not remember the presents we have received from you. And when you want to come, you know that I'll be here to give you my best smile. I promise you."

    Thus, weeping a lot, with mental balance embalmed, on the verge of going crazy of pain, Anne-Marie approached me.

− "Don’t you think that it is time to go, Nike?"

− "I guess so. When I came I could not imagine that it was going to be so hard to leave."

− "I have brought you clean clothes, Nike. Get close to the car."

  She had gone to Deanforest and Jack, who was in charge of my clothes, had left her search in my closet. She brought me a pristine combination of white linen trousers and a green cotton shirt, loose and fresh for that summer day. But my mind rebelled. I didn't want to flaunt of cleanliness next to their misery. It was a possibly futile rebellion.

− "Thank you for the great inconvenience you've taken, Anne-Marie. But, what’s the matter with the clothes I wear?"

− "If I didn’t know you, I could have taken you for one more of them. The fabulous charcoal grey of your jacket resembles a dirty brown as if you had slipped down a hill with it on. Come on, change your clothes."

− "Do not believe it is ingratitude. But I'm not going to do it. When I came here, I didn't know that I was coming and I could not choose my clothes. But I want to go as I came. I will not go into the skin of Nicholas."

− “Is the sun heating your head?  Forgive me, Nike, but it doesn’t look like you."

− "To look like some me I need first to know who I am. But if it is that the sun is heating my head, let the sunstrokes continue. As long as I rave, I won’t be completely corrupted –I looked at Anne-Marie, who was watching me as one who discovers an unknown animal and does not know how to catalogue it−. Anyway, thank you very much, but I will now change in Deanforest. And give me one second, please. I have to say goodbye to Lucy and Luke."

   They made up a frozen image which reminded me of some statue scented by candles on a lit altar's stained glass windows. The baby in his mother's arms. His father with his best smile watching the beautiful features of his continuation on Earth. They were already a family, surely sacred, but the infidel Nicholas did not come to pray to them.

− "Take him in your arms one more second, Nike –Lucy handed him to me tenderly−.  Those tears you are shedding will stop his tears. He has soon learned the happiness of being in your arms. Look at him, so happy in his new cradle. He is not crying now. Thus, any way you go, shade shall cease with the light that you have."

− "Thanks, Lucy −my heart broke, but my eyes kept the promise not to cry.  Not in front of the little king−. But where am I going?"

− "You are going towards Beauty –Luke suddenly said−. Once you've caught its beams, light always bursts in fireworks. Remember that we love you. And don’t you ever be so hard with yourself, my friend. See you soon, my brother."

   To be a cataract falling wildly, the ungrateful friend only needed those words. And the hug we gave each other was then a desolate river, whose course was moving away from all seas. My newfound water mistook any friendly star which could have shown me what course I should follow. Goodbye, little king. Goodbye, little kings of the crowned homeland of magic earth, breathtaking waters, lively air in the everlasting trees, fire in the stars which will also accompany you in cold days. Goodbye, my poor heart, where blood must probably still be circulating. I didn’t know then whether my fingers were useful to do proper gestures of farewell. Anne-Marie’s car had a flavor of exile; the seat on which I sat smelled like a funeral for the life one returns to and is no longer desired. A second more...starter... seat belt. Oh, Outskirt of the Torn Hand.  To discover that I had a heart only to, when down the slope, have it amputated. A last view. Anne-Marie was speaking to me, but my ears were not with her. One second more the seven stayed with me. I don't know whether it was the land that was crying or everyone was crying. The Plymouth was already in Millers' Lane. Still they had not gone and I already wanted to return. On my left The Last Road, where my sober heart had won; on my right, the last image of Mistress Oakes’ tent and the road to the Outcasts.

− "Goodbye Mistress.  A real pleasure has been to meet you. And even though I may rebel, my path has to be painful. You are always right."−I suppose I was speaking in a loud voice.

− "For heaven’s sake, Nike, what is it you say? I'm talking to you."

− "I am sorry, Anne-Marie. I was not aware that I was speaking aloud. What were you saying?"

− "I was wondering how you are."

− "How do you find me?" −I felt reluctant to tell her about how I felt. I did not know then that pain can make you become mute.

− "Physically I find you well, although I've seen before how you staggered. But psychologically I find you very strange. What with that and your appearance, you look like a beggar"

 −“Thank you –I said excited. In eleven days, I have never been called thus.”

− "Thank you?"

− "Forgive me, Anne-Marie.  My talk will seem strange to you. But right now I don't know who I am or where I'm going. I only know where I come from and I cannot forget them –I changed the subject-. It may be very simple, but I cannot assimilate you know them. And is seems that you have known them for years."

− "I had not told you anything, because you did not seem to have much interest in John. But now I can say that I already knew them in Wrathfall Bridge. Of course then they were only six. Then I also went to Knights Hill and I met Luke. And to the Torn Hand I have been coming since January, at least once a month. Yes, I know the seven, and I talk respectfully to everyone, but the one I come to see is John. Wherever he is, I'll go to see him. In any circumstances we will be friends. If it wasn't because of Miguel and his trashy sectarianism..."

   Alder Street and its foundations of icy civilization. And on the right... no, I didn't want to look at Baphomet. Its vision simply intoxicated me. My path now no longer wanted to be the one of eleven days ago. Drinking to forget. I wanted to forget. Did I want to forget? Wouldn't it be more certain that I would not drink as long as I remembered? As long as the pain failed to crush me against the ground? We had stopped at a traffic light. I had to make an effort to speak to Anne-Marie. The most painful part was coming.

− "Do you not like Miguel?"

− "I come to see John and only him. Now you know. And I have to accept him with Miguel. I have nothing to object that they are a couple, even though I was in love with John. That time is over. But they could be a normal couple and live a different life. And Miguel, with all his incomprehensible stream of philosophy, will never take him out of there. Sometimes I see him as a guru and everybody around dancing at the rhythm of his sect. They're well instructed and only John gets, barely, to be the same as he always was, but rather soaked in the same pseudomystic balm."

  A green light. To the right, to the endless Temple Road. But I was more attentive to the Heatherling than to Anne-Marie's admonishments. "I follow your course, but the other way around. Instead of flowing into the beggars, I go back to an empty life of apparent prosperity. But neither you nor I are happy."

   But Miguel the spiritual leader of a sect? I could hardly imagine him like that. His serene face, his taciturn leaning on the shoulders of his partner between the fires of the night, his way to extract excess weeds. I regretted the years when I could have known of them by Anne-Marie and I had not even asked. I had not seen him as a leader of anything, except as a master of himself. Everyone knew perfectly how to walk alone without a shepherd who led them. And if I had to look for a point of required energy I would have thought of Lucy or of the sane madness of Mistress Oakes. But I could not forget that Anne-Marie knew them, and that disagreeing with her, I was still myself, and remained with them. I wanted to know what she thought of the others. The time was approaching when I would have to tell her a truth that could hurt.

− "And what is your opinion about the other five?"

− "That church only needed Luke's arrival. I don't know if you know how they met him."

-"Yeah, I know. Luke wanted to attack them all. He has told me. But he is a new man now."

− "That’s what he says. For me he is still a dangerous madman. And a slacker. Lucy had to know him! Luke is a dangerous lunatic and Mistress Oakes lost her head years ago. She is a visionary. But in a way it is a pleasure to talk with her, the times she chooses to come down to Earth. Madeleine, even if no one says her name. Sometimes it is impossible to understand them, not even John. Out of respect, they say. But it seems disrespectful to me to talk to her and not say her name. And Bruce is completely silly. But I can't blame him. His head is empty."

   It hurt me to hear her but somehow it made me good, to balance her vision with my vision, and that way I would desire give them a big hug. In that short ride more than once I had the temptation to plead her to go back, but an inner voice prevented me to rebel. It didn't make any sense to return that way. With only half of the consciousness I realized that she did not follow any chronological order. She was also reading me.

− "Of course I do not follow a chronological order. And I call her Madeleine. But I am not a beggar. And I have not come, I do not think that I ever reach, to my motif by Verôme. Have they named it to you?"

− "Yes, I know what you’re talking about. They have also named me the gifts of the Universe, and the codes, although they have not enunciated them to me, gods, stars... cats..."

− "What do cats have to do with all this? Nike, wake up."

− "Ted climbed into my lap. The night of the stars. You know what? They have given me two."

− "So John has also talked to you about stars."

− "He gave us at least one to each of the eight and..."